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BLADNOCH RAFT RACE 2007

AN EXCITING DASH FOR LAST PLACE

The Annual Bladnoch Raft Race on Sunday July 15th was a soaking success.

Before the race began, Raymond Armstrong, owner of Bladnoch Distillery, sponsor of the race, and the man behind the "Riff Raft", said: "it's going to be good for a laugh."

When asked if he was allowed to use canoes in the construction of his raft, Mr Armstrong told the Gazette that he was the sponsor and could do what he wanted.

The winners of the race were the Brig End Floaters with a time so quick that the Galloway Gazette, reporting from the Hairy Celeste (the Dowling Stoves Raft ) could not catch them for an interview.

The Hairy Celeste was a strange contraption. With theoretical speeds of over 20mph, two adamantium pedal powered double side-oars and a rudder forged from an old bicycle, the raft's eight strong crew were confident of success.

Then the race started.

The Hairy Celeste worked well. Not as a raft, but as a sadistic form of water torture. The captain and inventor, Stephen Dowling, encouraged his struggling crew with admonishments about their rowing techniques. Halfway through the race, Mr Dowling realised he was the only Hairy crew member rowing backwards.

The Riff Raft, which featured canoes and ladders lashed together with silly-string, and a crew of twenty highly trained, whisky fuddled Vikings, overtook the Hairy Celeste before the last bend - over an hour after the waterway sprint began. Men in horned helmets were spotted staggering on the riverbanks pulling the Riff Raft with rope and making abusive hand gestures at their rivals. The hand gestures were in Swedish so the Hairy Celeste crew could not understand a finger.

By the last stretch, the Riff Raft and the Hairy Celeste were neck and neck and neck deep in water. With a final shove, the Hairy Celeste took the lead. The distressed crew stumbled and slid out of the water, bleeding, soaked and tearful, trailing their malfunctioning machine behind them through the mud.

The innovative design of the 2007 Bladnoch Riff Raft was a huge success. The "stealth raft" immediately took its position six inches under the surface of the water - the invisibility cloak was activated when Casey took his position on the vessel. However, Marcus overlooked the high visibility factor of the crew in his designs. Needless to say the Riff Raft took the coveted last prize in the race - maintaining that position from the start, in spite of a hairy moment when they overtook the Dowling contraption but were able to regain their original position on the final bend.